Ryan and I broke up (for the best, very toxic relationship)
I moved to Charlotte, NC in January
along with a lot of smaller things...but these were the major changes.
Moving away from everyone, and everything, I knew was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. When I first moved down here (the end of January 2015) I was extremely depressed...the job I thought I had was having funding issues, so my job was on hold indefinitely, I missed Ryan (I still don't understand how I missed someone who treated me like sh!t), I missed my friends like crazy, and I missed working (I am a very active person...my mind goes a mile a minute and I don't handle boredom well.) I had gotten my puppy Balto right after I moved down here and honestly he was my saving grace. He made me smile daily, and taking care of him kept me busy. I still was not in the frame of mind to start taking care of myself. My weight was stagnant around 230 (but would balloon up to 235 some days). I started eating better again (whole grains, lean proteins, vegetables and fruits) and lost about ten pounds...but still couldn't find the motivation to really 'work out' other than the several walks I took Balto on a day.
Then I found a job...wasn't a great job by any means, but it would get me out of the house and working again! I started to crawl out of my hole of despair and gloom. My best friend had just told me she was pregnant, and although I was sad I wasn't nearby, it was the final push for me to start taking care of myself....I wanted to be a great aunt for my niece or nephew like I had been for my nephew Brandon (my sister's son, that kid has my heart.) and for both the new baby and Brandon I needed to get my health in check so I could be the best Aunt Sam I could be. I started small, walking, doing workout videos at home, and just eating right. I saw the sun on the horizon for the first time in over a year. I have struggled with depression for a long time, and next to nobody knows this. Sometimes it is worse than others, and I try and control it through diet and exercise (not for everyone but I found that it works for me...I DO discuss this with my doctor every time I see her, and for a short time after my dad died I was on anti depressants...so get off your soapboxes). I also struggle a lot with anxiety, and working out really helps quell that.
About two months ago (end of February) I snapped out of my coma and decided to start dating online again...I figured I knew next to nobody in Charlotte (I was the only one working out of the office at my job)...so what's the worst that can happen? I have a few funny stories and meet some new friends? I started weeding through potential matches and talked to some really nice guys...and then I met Derrick. I liked Derrick from the start and we started seeing each other often.
Today I can feel the familiar heaviness in my chest, the familiar feeling of panic, and I don't know what it's from. A lot of people don't understand anxiety and cannot understand that a person with anxiety can't pinpoint something and say "yup, that's what's making me anxious." I think since I've just been stagnant lately...my new job doesn't start until the 18th..and my old job had hurt feelings about me leaving and came in about three weeks ago and said "yea, we don't see a need for you to be here anymore." Nice right? Yea...
So I'm itching to go for a run...I'm at Derrick's so Im not super familiar with the roads and naturally I don't have my Garmin :(
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