Absent

Well I did say that I am not great at writing in a diary daily! So little update--

Ryan and I broke up (for the best, very toxic relationship)

I moved to Charlotte, NC in January

along with a lot of smaller things...but these were the major changes. 

Moving away from everyone, and everything, I knew was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. When I first moved down here (the end of January 2015) I was extremely depressed...the job I thought I had was having funding issues, so my job was on hold indefinitely, I missed Ryan (I still don't understand how I missed someone who treated me like sh!t), I missed my friends like crazy, and I missed working (I am a very active person...my mind goes a mile a minute and I don't handle boredom well.) I had gotten my puppy Balto right after I moved down here and honestly he was my saving grace. He made me smile daily, and taking care of him kept me busy. I still was not in the frame of mind to start taking care of myself. My weight was stagnant around 230 (but would balloon up to 235 some days). I started eating better again (whole grains, lean proteins, vegetables and fruits) and lost about ten pounds...but still couldn't find the motivation to really 'work out' other than the several walks I took Balto on a day.  

Then I found a job...wasn't a great job by any means, but it would get me out of the house and working again! I started to crawl out of my hole of despair and gloom. My best friend had just told me she was pregnant, and although I was sad I wasn't nearby, it was the final push for me to start taking care of myself....I wanted to be a great aunt for my niece or nephew like I had been for my nephew Brandon (my sister's son, that kid has my heart.) and for both the new baby and Brandon I needed to get my health in check so I could be the best Aunt Sam I could be. I started small, walking, doing workout videos at home, and just eating right. I saw the sun on the horizon for the first time in over a year. I have struggled with depression for a long time, and next to nobody knows this. Sometimes it is worse than others, and I try and control it through diet and exercise (not for everyone but I found that it works for me...I DO discuss this with my doctor every time I see her, and for a short time after my dad died I was on anti depressants...so get off your soapboxes). I also struggle a lot with anxiety, and working out really helps quell that. 

About two months ago (end of February) I snapped out of my coma and decided to start dating online again...I figured I knew next to nobody in Charlotte (I was the only one working out of the office at my job)...so what's the worst that can happen? I have a few funny stories and meet some new friends? I started weeding through potential matches and talked to some really nice guys...and then I met Derrick. I liked Derrick from the start and we started seeing each other often. 

Today I can feel the familiar heaviness in my chest, the familiar feeling of panic, and I don't know what it's from. A lot of people don't understand anxiety and cannot understand that a person with anxiety can't pinpoint something and say "yup, that's what's making me anxious." I think since I've just been stagnant lately...my new job doesn't start until the 18th..and my old job had hurt feelings about me leaving and came in about three weeks ago and said "yea, we don't see a need for you to be here anymore." Nice right? Yea... 

So I'm itching to go for a run...I'm at Derrick's so Im not super familiar with the roads and naturally I don't have my Garmin :( 

An awakening

So, I broke my blogging every day streak....big surprise. Its been a few days since I wrote and honestly, a lot has changed for me mentally.

I honestly got over that 'hump' of weight loss mentality and am making it about my future and my life. I cant remember the exact thought, but it was a culmination of things.

I started picturing my future and what I wanted it to be like. I started imagining having children, and what life would be like if I continued on the path I was on of unhealthy eating (although I have been doing Weight Watchers and doing extremely well on it..I knew I would have to incorporate some kind of exercise or I would just gain it all back like I did when I moved back to Long Island after grad school). I did not like the path I was headed on and decided to make some changes. I am an avid reader of the blog by Katie Foster, Runs for Cookies, and I started off thinking of what I would like to accomplish. I want to run a marathon by the time I turn 30 (i just celebrated my 27th birthday this past June). SO I started taking steps. I registered for my second 5k ever.

I had run my first 5k a few years ago at a local airport. It mainly consisted of me walking with my friends, as I was not in the greatest shape. On November 1, 2014 I will be running the ReesSpecht Life Superhero 5k

 I started doing the Couch to 5k program and just finished day 2. I started day 1 on Thursday and honestly felt great afterward. My asthma hasn't been giving me a problem, the worst was that my feet were sore. I think I need new running shoes.

The worst part of the day is when my boyfriend came home while I was out running. I came home, a sweaty mess, and told him of my plan to run the 5k in November and my desire to run a marathon before the age of 30. He began by saying what a stupid idea it was, and that I was going to have so many health problems down the line from running. Trying to argue with him is like trying to argue with a brick wall. I told him I was going to start running, with or without his support, but support from the person who loves me would be nice. I then texted my friends to tell them of my plans, the majority of them were surprised, but nearly all of them showed their support. One friend talked about coming to the race with a sign to support me, at that time my heart swelled with happiness, and it meant so much to me to have her support.

I have realized how much better I feel cutting the "crap" out of my diet over the last week and a half, and notice a change in how my body feels when I stay away from fast food and the unhealthy fatty foods.

I am by no means a writer and expect nobody to read this so my mind is done emptying. haha

Impressive

This is two days in a row that I am posting..I find that amazing considering that I never had a diary growing up. I would start one, then forget about it for six months until I found it and decided to write again..for a day.

So I stayed on track today again. I think that's why I like Weight Watchers, the points system makes me accountable for the food I am eating and makes me question "Do I really want to eat that?" Several times last night I would find myself in the kitchen, with no points left for the day, and no fruit in the house, I wanted something sweet. So I took a crystal Light to-go packet and put a pinch in a glass of water. Definitely helped my sweet tooth since I really was not hungry, I was just craving something sweet!

I haven't yet exercised for the day, and am toying with the idea of going to the gym before Ryan gets home. Who, by the way, texted me that he was craving nachos for dinner. I shall not be eating nachos, but I will probably make them for him anyway. I don't usually crave stuff like that, because I remember the tummy-ache I always get after eating stuff like that and just the general feeling like crap-ness.

Went food shopping and bought the weight watchers dark chocolate raspberry bars...hope I can keep Ryan from eating the whole box! He has QUITE the sweet-tooth!

Food log:
Breakfast
Coffee with 3 TBS International Delight Creamer: 3 PPS
Oatmeal with Chocolate Chips: 7 PPS

Lunch:
2 Cups Crockpot Vegetable Soup 8 PPS
3 TBS Part skim shredded mozzarella  1 PPS
Water

Dinner:
i cup white rice (I normally eat brown but this was leftover) 5 PPS
1 cup of stir fried chicken, yellow squash, green pepper, tomato, and onion 6 PPS

Snack
Cheese Stick 2 PPS

The beginning

Well, here I am again. Last year, moving back to Long Island from New York City, I had told myself I would not gain the weight back...and I did. I went from weighing 230 pounds at the beginning of grad school, to weighing around 180 nine months later when I graduated with my master's degree. I began working a desk job and watched myself slowly gain weight as my clothes got tighter. Fast forward to August 2014, a little more than a year after moving back home, and I couldn't deny it anymore. I stepped on the scale and saw 2-3-0 and decided to do something about it.

So I signed up for Weight Watchers. I am making this blog to keep myself honest, and to motivate me to keep it off once and for all. I have diabetes on both sides of my family, two grandparents (mom's mom and dad's dad) were both type 1 and my father was type 2. I watched my grandmother deal with all of the complications that came along with being a diabetic..... I don't want that for myself and will avoid it if at all possible. The idea of insulin injections, kidney problems, and the effect it has on the rest of your body, terrifies me.

Also, as vain as this sounds, I want to look and feel pretty, and feel better about myself. Fifty pounds ago I felt great about myself, I was happy, and I had so much energy. Now, simply put, I'm not.

Tonight I went for a twenty minute walk around the block. My body feels very stiff, maybe from softball on Sunday? I whacked my elbow into the corner of the wall at my apartment and bruised it badly...it hurt all day! I want to start a fitness regimen, starting with walking.

So here goes.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal (1/2 oats, 1/2 cup water, 1/2 vanilla almond milk + 1 TBS chocolate chips) 7 PPS
Coffee + 3 TBS creamer 3 PPS

Lunch:
Salad with grilled chicken, blue cheese, tomatoes, bacon bits @ TGI Fridays 11 PPS

Dinner:
2 cups Crock Pot Vegetable Soup  8 PPS
3 TBS mozzarella, part skim 1 PPS

Snack
String Cheese 2 PPS